But if you're on a beach...

So I kinda got a little carried away last week with all that self-conscious talk... I guess it was kind of my honest confession/personal pep-talk. You see, for as much of a non-beach person that I am, I do thoroughly enjoy the sun (and getting a nice healthy glow if you know what I mean). I guess I just don't like it too hot. 

That sounds terrible. 

Beggars can't be choosers. 

And especially after our non-summer last year here in Seattle, any heat, sunlight, sunshine or general warmth is not only welcomed, it's relished. 

I mean after a really long hard week (month? year?) sometimes there's nothing better than plopping down in a beach chair, with a great big straw hat, and a good book - provided there's a nice breeze and an ice-cold beverage at hand - and listening to the waves rock back and forth on the beach as you curl your toes up under the warm sand.

Wow. I'm starting to sound like a beach person aren't I? 

Well that's exactly what I'll be doing in exactly one week (hence the "pep-talk")... what looks like a very long, very hard work week. I think my body's gonna need the rest. Now if only it weren't for the sweating and the swimsuit dilemma... 

Yes, I've said goodbye to self-consciousness, but that doesn't negate the fact that I still feel naked on the beach. And it's odd because the older I get the more naked I feel... and I'm not that old. Do I really want to "bare all" for the entire world (or beach) to see? Why? 

Our culture tells us the less you wear the "hotter" you are, but is that really true? Personally I'd think you'd get a little chilly... haha. Wow. Okay... Bad joke. 

But in all seriousness, when did showing so much skin become so appealing? If mystery is the trick to keeping intrigue alive then I'd think leaving something to be discovered would be a better tactic than showing all the goods. Maybe this makes me super old-school, but I think it's possible to be attractive, alluring (even sexy?) and still maintain some sort of modesty. I mean look at Grace Kelly... the perfect icon of beauty, grace, poise and allure. Sure she wore a bikini from time to time, but it wasn't itty-bitty. It was functional and fashionable. Shoot, she even made the one-piece a knockout look! And thanks to many stores out there I believe the one-piece  is making a comeback... and I'm not talking about the "mom-jeans" equivalent in swimwear. I'm talking about beautiful, flattering swimsuits that are fashionable, functional and... wait for it... modest.

A week away. Sun. Lake. Beach. Book. Hat. Shades. Swimsuit. 

Posted below are some things that inspire/prepare me for a beach vacation... 

For one Arcade Fire's Haiti... Listen to it and see if it doesn't transport you to a beautiful place where there's a drink with an umbrella in your hand... And then there's Grace. Wow. Talk about breathtakingly beautiful. Wish I could work a turban... 

So as summer marches on and the mercury rises I hope you find some time to relax in that beach chair with a book- feet in the sand wearing a great swimsuit too. 

Sailboat Saturday

Well that's exactly what today was supposed to be... a Saturday spent sunbathing, swimming and writing on my family's sailboat moored in Portage Bay.
On hot sunny Seattle days like we've been having recently, everyone and their mother emerges squinty-eyed from their dens and caves, flocking to all available public waterfront real estate. It's on these beaches that they lay their beach-towel stakes and bear their blinding-white bodies in the hopes of soaking up some rays and much needed Vitamin D.

Myself, being a little claustrophobic, well I couldn't be less attracted to these scenes. On an 85 ˚F day the last place you'll find me is at Houghton or Madison Beach parks. Slurping lukewarm oysters sounds more appealing.
In fact, if I'm going to be completely honest, I'm really not much of a "beach person." Sitting there broiling like a pig on a spit, beads of sweat forming under my knees, thighs sticking together... Ughhhh!!! It's like nails on a chalkboard.

"Well that's why you go jump in the water..." is what all beach people would say to me, to which I'd reply:
"Yeah... but then you have to re-apply the sunscreen that doesn't absorb because you're all wet. And if you try and dry off with your towel you get copious amounts of sand everywhere that you're still finding weeks after the beach ever happened."

Yeah. I'm not a beach person. In part because of the "sweating" bit. In part because of the "sand" bit. But also because of the "self-conscious" bit.
Yes, you heard me right.

It is entirely possible that a professional ballerina could be self-conscious about her body. At any rate this ballerina is.
I always thought I'd grow out of it. That one day I'd be okay with donning the itsy-bitsy, tini-weenie, yellow polka dot bikini. I mean I wear a leotard and tights every day for goodness sake (and believe me that's much less flattering than a bathing suit)! But the older I get the more naked I feel and critical my eyes become. They whisper disappointment and scream dissatisfaction when confronted with the reflection in the mirror.
"You can run... You do run. A lot. But you can't hide those thighs..." or "Um... yeah... no one wants to see that. Maybe you should cover up a little." 
And yet it doesn't matter how much I run, how much I cover up; I can't escape the fact that I don't measure up to the world's "Sport's Illustrated" standard- shoot, to my own perfectionistic standard. My waist could be smaller, my legs a little leaner, and oh if only that cellulite would just disappear (yes, ballerinas aren't exempt from this natural phenomena either...)!

So I guess it's kind of a blessing in disguise that these strange thunderstorms have hit... I'm confused. Are we in the Midwest? Haha!
Instead of feeling slightly self-conscious in my swimsuit at the sailboat (which also would've been asking for electrocution), I sat comfortably in Uptown Espresso perusing the pages of Hinds Feet on High Places. And as I read about little Much Afraid I came across a snippet that spoke to me profoundly:

"Thy joints and thighs are like a supple band
On which are met
Fair jewels which a cunning master hand
Hath fitly set. In all the palace, search where'er you please,
In every place
There's none that walks with such a queenly ease,
Nor with such grace."

I was reminded of a couple particularly important facts. You could say they're paramount.
Firstly, I am created in the image of God. Secondly "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." My body was formed and fashioned perfectly for the special purpose that God has for me. He knew what He was doing when He made me. The cunning Master Hand doesn't make junk. He knew exactly what I'd look like - with all my moles, my green eyes, my shorter right leg... even (dare I say it?) my "cottage cheese." And He delights in it. All of it. But more than that ...
He thinks I'm beautiful.

"How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful!" ~ Song of Songs 4:1

My Mom's always said "He broke the mold when He made you Jessika." But the thing is He breaks the mold when he makes each of us. Not one of us is alike. Not one. We're each different. We're each unique. We're each so special. And each and every one of us is beautiful just the way we are.

Goodbye Self-Consciousness. Goodbye Disappointment. Goodbye Dissatisfaction.
Hello Confidence. Hello Beautiful me.
Hello Beautiful you!

Burning Lobster Red

Well this is absolutely appalling. I mean I think it actually goes beyond that.
I wish you could see my face. It's a burning lobster red. Not from this gorgeous sun we're having here in Seattle. Nope. In fact, at this very moment I'm working on a nice glowing, golden-hued tan as I type this out on my parents sailboat. Don't worry... I'm not actually sailing anything right now.
Ha!
Yeah, that statement couldn't be more true... particularly of this blog.

My face is burning lobster red with sheer embarrassment. How long has it been? 2 weeks? 3 months? Where'd the time go? Shoot! I even made a promise to myself... I guess you could call it a kind of New Years resolution of sorts that I wouldn't let this blog slide. That I'd stay on top of it. Well just goes to prove my point that New Years resolutions are generally never accomplished, and further my resolve to never make them. Ever.
I hate failing.

And yet that is exactly what's happened here. I've failed. Failed to write. Failed to keep my promise. Failed to be a good steward of this gift God's given me. And honestly, I think that latter failing is what moves me from superficial embarrassment to deep contrition. From pride to humility. Because the embarrassment is about me and no one else. It's self-centered. It's prideful. I'm burning lobster red because my dropping the ball reflect poorly on me. 


But the thing is, this blog, it isn't about me. 
Yeah, I know it's titled justJessika. And sure... I'm the one who types out the words. But it's the honest-to-goodness desire of my heart that the situations I share, the words I write be more than just my trivial little trials and triumphs in this strange environment I call my life (you have to admit it is quite strange...). That somehow these words transcend the online personal play-by-play or voyeuristic journal and speak candidly to your heart. Instead of a self-glorifying relic, I hope this blog proves to be a sort of invisible cord, connecting peoples together, at the very least letting you know you're not alone in your struggles.
And above all it is my prayer that this blog honors and glorifies the One who gave me words. That in fact they are His words typed through my fingers.

The burning lobster red has cooled to my new summer skin tone - one that's colored with contrition, humility and thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving?
Yep. That wasn't a typo. Thanksgiving for grace. God's grace. For His forgiveness. For His gifts of second-chances and new starts. And for His strength to persevere, His promptings to write and His words to type.

So no promises. But hopefully lots of words. That speak to you. That is if you're still out there...

Happy summer!

Jessika

Words

Well I should blog.
I need to blog.

But why? What do I have to say that really matters anyhow?
Well this is how I'm feeling today. A little blah. A little uninspired. It is a Monday afterall... Not that that's actually a valid excuse. Sick. I'm kind of tired of "Mondays". Why is it that Monday always equates bad, boring or blah? It's a cop-out. It's pathetic. Mondays are just day two of the week... Yes. Not the first day. That's Sunday.
Oy... I'm totally going off on a rant/tangent. Sorry. Maybe I'll write a post about Mondays on Tuesday...

And yet even though I'm slightly in this funk, slightly drawing a blank, I know I need to write. You see my school's out!
HOORAY! Hooray. hooray?
Yeah. No. Not really...
If I were taking some mundane general-ed course now that would be a cause for celebration. But I wasn't. As was stated in my previous post, the class that just ended was anything but mundane. It was delightful. It was insightful. It was motivational. It was inspirational. It got me writing. Writing a lot. 


So I'm determined to not let all the momentum I gained through that class just fade away. I'm determined to not let this talent, this gift God's given me with words go to waste.
I will use my words. And I hope that they're used to build people up, not tear them down. I hope they encourage. I hope they inspire. I hope they sometimes convict. I hope they a lot of times make you laugh.
And I hope that by sharing some of my struggles, frustrations or just random musings, you, whoever you may be, don't feel so alone. Because lets just be honest... it's easy to feel all alone. And alone is a terrible feeling.

Wow. Well I guess I wrote something.
Words. They're funny things. Letters strung together. Noises combined to form a strange meaningful chorus. And they are. Meaningful. At least they should be. Sticks and stones break bones. But words. Yep. They can hurt. They do hurt. They have power. How do I use them? How do I abuse them?
Well like a lot of gifts God's given me, I think I can waste my words too. I'm not the kind of person who packs a punch. I'm not economical. I'm superfluous. A lot of words to say a little. I've often thought I should strive for brevity. But, well, then that just wouldn't be me. That's just not Jessika. And I am just Jessika.
Lots of words. Hopefully ones that speak love and life into your life.
How do you use your words? Just something to think about this week... It's day two. You've got 5 more to speak with power. To speak with truth. To speak with love. To speak with words.

#100 (for lack of a better title)

Yep. Post 100. Hard to believe. Hard to believe it didn't happen sooner.
I think the saddest part about this post is that I've almost written as much in the past two and a half months for this blog as I did the entire year of 2011. Yeah... That's kind of disgusting. That absolutely cannot happen this year. Cannot. 


This is going to be a bittersweet post. Sorry to anyone who was looking for something sunny and cheery. The weather provided that. It was an absolutely incredible day here in Seattle! Blue sky, sunshine and a gorgeous sunset. And it started out grey and rainy! Thanks Lord for turning the tables around... It was a much welcomed surprise.

So bittersweet. Bittersweet for a number of reasons, but the first being that this is the last thing I have to do (other than click a button submitting my final portfolio) for my Bellevue College English 255 Creative Non-Fiction Writing Class I've been taking this Winter Quarter.
That should be a great thing, right? I'm almost done with the quarter! I'm almost done with my A.A.!!! Who'd ever thought that would happen? Just an AP credit transfer and a Symbolic Reasoning course away from saying goodbye to Bellevue College. Pretty exciting stuff.
But like I said, it's bittersweet because this is the last time I can take this class... this creative non-fiction writing class. To even try and describe what a blessing it's been in my life would be, well, to be honest, quite impossible. There aren't words to express the profound impact it's had on me.
Someday I want to be a writer. The future is not longer this unknown unforeseeable passionless void. The Lord has given me a voice and I'm so excited to see how He's going to use it. And this new passion and desire to write He cultivated through this class. Yep. Wow. No words. Thank you just seems too small.

Lindsi Dec and Lesley Rausch ©Angela Sterling Photography

And yet I don't live in the Future, I live in Today. And today the first passion God gave me, burned brightly within my heart and soul: Ballet. Today I saw my co-workers perform PNB's premier of David Dawson's A Million Kisses to My Skin. And as I watched them literally I felt like my skin was the only thing holding back the deep longing I had to run out on that stage and dance that ballet. In my eight seasons of dancing professionally there have only been two ballets that have had such a profound connection not just with my mind, body and heart, but with my soul. This is one of them.
I found myself saying to the Lord, as tears welled up in my eyes (even now they're returning), "Lord I know that one day I will dance this ballet. Be it here on earth or in Heaven above I will dance this ballet. And I'll dance it for You! Because this ballet is what Heaven feels like."

It reminds me of that famous quote from Chariots of Fire:

I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure. 

God made me for a purpose. To bring Him glory and enjoy Him forever. He's made me His own. He's making me a writer, and many other things besides that... But He's also made me a ballerina. And when I dance I feel His pleasure. It's like a million kisses to my skin. His kisses. He's pretty great!

So what has He made you for? What passions has He given you? Do you feel His pleasure? Oh that everyone in the whole world could feel it! It is unlike anything you could dream of or imagine!

And if you want to see what that pleasure looks like danced out on stage, see what Heaven feels like, come and see PNB perform this tremendous piece. But hurry and buy your tickets here. It's only this weekend and next!

Here's a taste of the first movement performed by the Dutch National Ballet. Enjoy!

Searching for Something Unfound

So my dear friend Dawn is getting married in April!
And I have to tell you I'm SO excited because this means two things:

1. Dance. Party.

Dawn is one of the funnest (is that a word?) people I know. She is a riot. She is a party. She is sweet and bubbly, one of my very dear friends, and has been known to burn a whole in many a dance floor. Therefore it's to be expected that her wedding is going to be the party of a century. This it will be... not to mention a very beautiful and elegant event as well.

2. New dress.

I have mentioned it many times before on this blog, but I will say it once again. Each of my friends gets a new wedding dress. Wait. That sounds wrong. What I mean to say is I get a new dress for each of my friends's weddings. There we go. Dawn is no exception. And my closet is getting quite full! Thank goodness there aren't many more of my friends to still venture off into the land of wedded bliss. Then again I do really love having an excuse to buy a new dress, so this might not be as big of a blessing as I'm making it out to be...

At any rate I have the extreme misfortune of knowing exactly what kind of dress I want. I mean I can perfectly picture it in my head. The color. The silhouette. The material. The shoes I'll pair with it. Even my makeup and lipstick color. The trouble is I can't find it. Anywhere. I'm searching for something that's unfound. Quite possibly something that doesn't exist. I'm hoping it does. At the very least something similar.
And in this pursuit of the unfound imagined dress, I've come across many warm-weather springtime inspirations. So since I have yet to find the dress I'll share with you these things I have found.

Post Valentines

So this post has been brewing in me for a while. I meant to write it during February. I meant to write it around that most dreaded of greeting-card holidays, yes, Valentines Day. Well, I've meant to do a lot of things. As usual my timing is always a little late... Ha! How typical of me. How appropriate for me. I feel like that sums my life up pretty well... "a little late." Well what can I say? I guess I'm just a late bloomer. But better late than never, right?

But "blooming" is exactly what this post is about. Nice one Jessika! (This is me patting myself on the back... haha!)

Well recently I just revisited a book that's spoken profound truth into my life. It's called Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge. Basically it's about unveiling the mystery of the female heart. They speak of who God created women to be, how we reveal His beauty in a broken world, but how that beauty is under fierce attack (and boy don't I know it!). They flesh out so many of the lies that so many of us have believed, and most importantly they show us how to find healing and restoration in the Lord. How we can find the love that so many of us desperately long for from Him - the Lover of our soul.

In this little excerpt they write about how He romances you. How He romances me.

"Every song you love, every memory you cherish, every moment that has moved you to holy tears has been given to you from the One who has been pursuing you from your first breath in order to win your heart. God's version of flowers and chocolates and candlelight dinners comes in the form of sunsets and falling stars, moonlight on lakes and cricket symphonies; warm wind, swaying trees, lush gardens and fierce devotion."

"This romancing is immensely personal. It will be as if it has been scripted for your heart. He knows what takes your breath away, knows what makes your heart beat faster." 

Well for me it's a lot of things. The way the light comes in sideways in the fall, winter and spring and for a very brief period illuminates the bare tree branches against a stormy grey sky. Or when the wind tickles the leaves on the Katsura trees that stand outside the Phelps Center Studio C windows. Sunsets. Sunsets. I don't think I need to say anything more about that.

But flowers.
I really love flowers. I do. They're truly a gift from the Lord. They make my eyes light up and my heart smile. They're so cheery and are always glad to see you.

Well I don't need a Valentines Day, or a valentine to get me flowers. I can buy them for myself. And I do. Most of the time when I'm having a bad day. And they never fail to brighten my day. The Lord's loving on me. With a beautiful bouquet. Wow. Thank you Lord!