Sunday, May 30, 2010

An appropriate poem...

This was a favorite poem of mine when I was a little girl. My Momma used to read it to my brother and I at bedtime. It was in a sweet book - I think it was titled Tall Tales and Other Stories. I remember this because the book itself was tall - long and skinny complete with vintage illustrations. One of these days I'm gonna have to dig that book up...
Anyway at 2am this poem is quiet appropriate.

Wynken, Blynken, and Nod one night
Sailed off in a wooden shoe---
Sailed on a river of crystal light,
Into a sea of dew.
"Where are you going, and what do you wish?"
The old moon asked the three.
"We have come to fish for the herring fish
That live in this beautiful sea;
Nets of silver and gold have we!"
Said Wynken,
And Nod.

The old moon laughed and sang a song,
As they rocked in the wooden shoe,
And the wind that sped them all night long
Ruffled the waves of dew.
The little stars were the herring fish
That lived in that beautiful sea---
"Now cast your nets wherever you wish---
Never afeard are we";
So cried the stars to the fishermen three:
And Nod.
All night long their nets they threw
To the stars in the twinkling foam---
Then down from the skies came the wooden shoe,
Bringing the fishermen home;
'T was all so pretty a sail it seemed
As if it could not be,
And some folks thought 't was a dream they 'd dreamed
Of sailing that beautiful sea---
But I shall name you the fishermen three:
And Nod.

Wynken and Blynken are two little eyes,
And Nod is a little head,
And the wooden shoe that sailed the skies
Is a wee one's trundle-bed.
So shut your eyes while mother sings
Of wonderful sights that be,
And you shall see the beautiful things
As you rock in the misty sea,
Where the old shoe rocked the fishermen three:
And Nod.

Wynken, Blynken, and Nod (Dutch Lullaby)
by Eugene Field (1850-1895)

Illustration by Fern Bisel Peat

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


Expectations. Expectancy. Expect.
I hear them. I use them. I understand them.
But do I? Do you?
The older I get, the more uncertain I am when it comes to the concept of expectations - of living life in expectancy.

The past two weeks have been full of new opportunities at work. At the end of this season I will dancing a new role in our 8 Encores performance, as well as going on a small tour with the company to the Kennedy Center in Washington D.C. to perform Benjamin Millipied's 3 Movements. And then if that weren't enough, today I found out that I will also get to perform the part of Swanhilda's friend in Balanchine's Coppelia that I've been "learning."
Needless to say, all of these opportunities have been very unexpected.

As I was cleaning out my purse in prep for my NYC weekend, I found a Thank You card from my Women's Minister at the Body. On the envelope she wrote below my name:

Real Life...
Living In Full Expectancy...
of what God can & will do!

This is not the first time (nor will it be the last time) I've heard this message spoken personally into my life. Over the years numerous people have encouraged me by saying that they can't wait to see how God's going to use me - that He has great things in store for my life. And I can't say that I don't believe them. I do. It's just that my whole life I've believed a certain lie... A lie that's probably not unfamiliar to you:
"Don't get your hopes up, because the minute you do, you're sure to be disappointed."
Essentially the message (the lie) is to never expect anything because then you'll never be disappointed - you'll never get hurt. If something good happens, it's a pleasant surprise... but never expect the good things.
Not only has this acted as a protection mechanism in my life, but, as I'm now realizing through my Interpersonal Communications course, a self-fulfilling prophesy as well.
If I expect nothing, I will get nothing. No pain, and no gain. In a sense life lives me.
Sure I've kept myself from getting "burned," but in this self-protecting pride I've also shut out the blessings of the Lord. I've put Him in a box, keeping Him from being both my Protector and my Provider.

So I've been trying to live life in "full expectancy" as the card said. To dream. To hope. To expect. To pray like Psalm 5:3. To thankfully present my requests to the God who "is able to do immeasurably more than [I] can ask or imagine, according to His power within [me]."

And then things happen in my life that make me wonder... Like when I finally do allow myself to expect - regarding casting and ballet roles (roles that I should be dancing) - and those expectations are unmet despite all my prayers, struggles and strivings. But when I expect nothing - like this current situation of abundant performance opportunities - I seem to receive, and then some...
These experiences would appear to confirm the lie that I've believed for so long, not the concept of living in expectancy. But if I take a closer look at that verse I quoted above, therein I find the answer: "according to His power."
It's according to Him, not me. I live life in eager expectancy according to His will, His plan and His power, not my own. So, expectancy is rooted in the One in whom my hope is found, and not in the object or desire that's "expected." I hold tightly to expectancy and loosely to that which I expect.
This is the life lived in full expectancy. This is a life full of joy and hope. This is real LIFE.

Expectations... Are you living real life or is life living you?

Monday, May 17, 2010

Ch-ch-changes & Resolutions

Well it's official.
I suck at blogging. I would also say that I suck at life, but that's a lie, so I'll say that currently I feel like I suck at life.

This move has been an endless abyss of boxes. A black hole, if you will, sucking away my time, my life and my relationships (or lack there of).

Anyway, we said our final good-bye to 465, Wednesday May 12th, 2010.
So now it's out with the old and on with the new...
And with that said I feel that I too need a fresh start. Who cares that it's the middle of May! Why do I need to wait till Jan 1 roles around to make a new beginning... to make some resolutions (which I'm sure I will break at some point...)?

The answer is I don't have to wait.
Resolution #1: To blog at least once a week.

There. I said it.

"But what about resolution #2, 3 & 4?" you might ask... Well those are reserved for their proper place... my journal.

And with it now being Monday (at 12:34am), my minimum quota for this week has been met.
But I'm sure I'll be posting some great pics of my weekend getaway to NYC, and my dear baby brother who, come Friday afternoon will have his Masters Degree from The Juilliard School. Can you tell I'm proud?

Ch-ch-changes... what can I say?

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Things I will miss

It's been a crazy couple weeks.
Recovering from the stomach flu.
Finishing up the All Balanchine Rep.
Catching up on my Interpersonal Communications course.
And packing. Packing. Packing.

You see on Sunday we will be moving - that is, my parents and I will be moving. Our home finally sold (it's been on and off the market for I think 3 years?) and after 23 years of living in this beautiful place we will be saying good-bye for good.
It's been quite the whirlwind the past two weeks with Mom and Dad "burning the midnight oil" as they tirelessly work to remodel our new home we'll be moving in to, ready or not.
Having three weeks off from work, I therefore took it upon myself to pack up our entire home, and believe me it's had its overwhelming moments... With it's unlimited storage space, and the fact that we've had this space available for the past 23 years, it's an understatement when I say that we've accumulated a lot of "stuff." And having a sentimental (a.k.a. pack-rat) father doesn't help the situation either. Needless to say I've sorted, I've tossed, I've boxed, I've packed and I've taped more than I ever wish to in this lifetime. If I never saw a moving box again it would still be too soon.
Typically sorting through and packing up our old photos, artwork, report cards, belongings - shoot, even kitchen utensils - triggers fond memories and stories, but with the mad dash that this move has been thus far, it's left little time to reminisce.
So, five days away from the big adieu, with our home looking more and more like a bare and empty house I'm realizing how desperately I'm going to miss it.

Here's a list of things I will miss:
  • Waking up to the chorus of birds chirping, singing and buzzing about.
  • The Katsura trees - their branches softly waving and leaves shimmering in the wind.
  • The way the house was immaculately decorated at Christmas-time, and opening presents in the Fireplace alcove.
  • Having friends and family over for dinner with everyone congregating in the kitchen, seated at the bar watching Daddy cook.
  • The guest room shower and it's amazing shower head and water pressure.
  • Our beautiful deck that's been a stage for many a talent show, a 50th Birthday party dance floor, a summer home for the WC College Group, and provided countless hours of sun-bathing and BBQing.
  • My room.
  • Walking up to Mom's beautifully decorated Birthday table in the kitchen.
  • The amazing wildlife that made our home in the middle of Bellevue seem like it was in the middle of nowhere. A special thank you to all the quail, pheasants, rabbits, coyotes and deer that enriched our lives.
  • Hearing the coyotes howl and yelp in the middle of the night. SO cool!!!!
  • And most of all, the sunsets... Oh those beautiful sunsets!

I have been blessed beyond measure to grow up in such a beautiful and wonderful home, but truthfully home is not about a building or structure, but about the things that happen within it... the people, the love, the lessons, the life and the memories we create with in it together. So, as I leave this home I look forward to the day (hopefully soon!) when I will be able to create all of these things in my very own home.

How lovely is your dwelling place,
O LORD Almighty!
My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God.
Even the sparrow has found a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
O LORD Almighty, my King and my God.
Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
they are ever praising you.

Psalm 84:1-4