Second cycle

I just need to stop apologizing and do something. And by "something" I mean write.

For a number of reasons, I decided to drop the philosophy (Critical Reasoning) course I'd registered for this summer quarter at Bellevue College. It was a hard decision... I hate the idea, even the thought of quitting. I'm not a quitter. Taking responsibility for my choices, staying the course, sticking it out - these concepts (mottos?) are deeply woven into the fiber of my being. It's called commitment - a word I fear many in my generation are unfamiliar with... And while this is just a community college course, I feel this strange sense of urgency, of intentionality... that every course I take will not only serve to fulfill my General Ed requirements, but will somehow be used in my life in the present and the future. But this is all beside the point. Not to mention a little dramatic? Um. Yes.
So what is the point, you ask? The point is, I eased my conscience by promising myself I'd use this quarter "off" to write, write, WRITE! Well so much for that... 

But I still have some time before fall quarter begins. Summer's not over yet! Shoot... here in the Northwest it feels like summer just started! 

What has started is my 8th season as a professional ballet dancer with Pacific Northwest Ballet. 

Wow. 

Has it really been that long? Am I really that old? Haha!!! I don't think that I'm that old. 

It seems like just yesterday that I received my first contract. That I was assigned shoe cubby number 27 with a little sliver plaque reading "Jessika Anspach" under it. That I claimed my locker between Lindsi Dec and Carrie Imler, which inevitably overflowed to the spaces above and across... Yes, I was kind of a mess. I still am.
And then poof! Seven years just flew by. Okay, they didn't fly by. Flying, in my mind, implies ease, or at the very least a lack of difficulty. Hmmm... But I've never "flown" before. I wonder if flying actually is difficult?
Wow. Rabbit trail. Sorry about that.
At any rate the past seven years haven't been "a piece of cake," a "walk in the park" or, my personal favorite, "easy peasy lemon squeezy." Then again I don't think anything having to do with ballet could ever be considered easy. It's like saying sandpaper's as smooth as a baby's butt, or walking on a bed of hot coals is fun.
But the struggles, the obstacles I've faced in arriving at where I am today were massive. Mountainous. Like Himalayas mountainous. Just ask our physical therapist Boyd Bender. He'd be the first to tell you that my body wasn't meant for dancing. Or ask any of my former PNBS teachers if they ever thought this dyslexic and daydreaming girl would ever have made it to the professional ranks. They'd probably laugh... I'm just remembering Abbie Siegel sweetly saying to me at barre: "No. Jessika. Left... your other left."
But the Everest of these obstacles, greater than dyslexia or any physical funkiness I have to deal with on a daily basis, was an unseen mountain buried deep within myself.
Call it Fear, Self-Loathing, or the Idol of Ballet and Self. They all apply. What it comes down to is that I put my identity, my confidence, my value and self-worth in how I looked and how I danced. Essentially I put my trust in ME, not in the Almighty and Sovereign Lord. So it's no surprise that over the past seven years these pillars built on sand have come toppling down. And pillars toppling hurts. A lot.
But praise God for His mercy, His grace and His sovereignty! He could have removed me completely from ballet - the thing I worshiped above Him - but His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. He had/has a plan for my life and ballet's a part of it, whether I want it or not (oddly enough there have been times when I haven't wanted it. At. All.) Miraculously He's kept me at PNB while building my pillars on Firm Foundation - on Him!
Through lots of prayer He's moved mountains for me. He's paved the way and has led me along His path. And after six years of struggle it felt like I'd finally exited the hard pruning season and finally began to see some buds blossoming.
As I said before last season was by far the best season I've ever had. The Lord blessed me with so many wonderful roles and opportunities to dance. I felt like I was challenged, pushed and therefore grew in a way I'd always hoped for but had yet to experience. And more than that I found my trust growing in Him, and my confidence rooted in Him. I am so humbled, so grateful and so in awe of the gifts He gives that are immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine. He is so good and so faithful!

And so I've begun Season 8. I'm now entering into what my dad terms as the "second cycle." The 2nd seven year stretch. I still have shoe cubby 27. I still dance at PNB. My left leg is still 1/4" longer than my right, and I still struggle with knowing my left from my "other left." But I have a new locker, and it's a new year. I am a new creation. I cannot go back to who I was before.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?" Isaiah 45:18-19

 It is going to be a good year. It is not going to look like last year, and so far it couldn't be more different. And it's hard. Hard to expect without expectations. Hard to not dwell on the past, even when the past was glittering and bright. But I can remember His faithfulness. I can remember the miracles and the work of His awesome hands. And I can have faith. I have hope.

Praise Him!
He is doing a new thing!

Rewind. Review. Redeem.

Goodness gracious me! Is March really almost over? Where'd the time go?What a crazy past couple weeks, months... Ha! For that matter, what a crazy year it's been!
It's hard to believe I've been writing this blog for over a year now. Wow... and to think how absolutely opposed I was to starting it in the first place...
As many of you know, I'm an avid and somewhat prolific journaler (and if you didn't know, well, now you do!).
I have a whole drawer full of notebooks - hundreds of pages that are covered in my cursive scribble. But my journals aren't really a "Dear diary" sort of thing - rather the "Dear Heavenly Father," kind. But I don't know if I'd specifically label them "prayer" journals... They are prayers. And yet they're more than prayers... These journals are full of letters to my Papa God (a.k.a. Abba Father).
But how many of you have gone back and re-read e-mails (since no one handwrites letters anymore) you've sent? I'm guessing not many. Well the same is true of me and my letters to my Father.
I probably should. I'm sure it would be beneficial. No. More than beneficial... I'd get to see written testimony of prayers answered and character refined. But that's the kicker. In order to have character refined, you have to go from something bad to something better.
Now don't get me wrong... this isn't a Sika Pity-Party. But I'm just stating the fact that re-reading my journal is, in a word, painful. Maybe painfully embarrassing would be a better description. Reading all the silliness - the trivial and frivolous cares, desires and internal dialogue that took place in my heart and mind - and seeing that so many times Jesus was talking to me when He asked the disciples, "Where is your faith?", well it makes me blush just thinking about it.
And yet, those things weren't "trivial" or "frivolous" when I wrote them.
Instead of being ashamed of where I've been I should rejoice in where I am, rejoicing in the transformation that's come from the Spirit and being refined in the furnace of these "trivial" and "frivolous" afflictions.
So praise Jesus for this blog! Ha ha... I can't believe I'm praising Jesus for a blog! And yet that's exactly what's happening. Why? Because it's basically an easy access journal. A lot like my letters to Papa God, this blog contains many of the struggles I've faced, the lessons I've learned and the victories I've experienced, but written much more thoughtfully (and legibly). And besides, it's a lot less embarrassing to re-read. I can just go to the side bar and click on the same month last year and see where I was at - what I was going through, what the Lord was teaching me etc. And I have to say it's encouraging...
An example: Last February we were performing The Sleeping Beauty... this February it was Cinderella. Both are story ballets. In both ballets I got to dance a solo. Then I struggled with fear, insecurity, and wrestled with the fact that I only got one show of the Fairy of Wit. This year I confidently asked to learn the Season Autumn, and trusted the Lord would provide, and boy did He ever! One show? Try two! Similar situations and yet the manner in which they were handled couldn't have been more different.
Rewind, review and redeem... that's what it feels like. I re-read my blog posts and see the character refined. I see prayers answered. I see myself being transformed. And I humbly rejoice.

Thank You Papa God for Your Spirit. Thank You Papa God for this blog.

V-Day

No... this post is not about V-Day as in Valentines Day.
It is true that I am not a fan of pink, nor hearts, nor any sort of plushy stuffed, well... anything. But I choose NOT to endlessly rant off the many reasons why I so dislike this commercialized greeting-card holiday.

I will say just this one thing and then I'll be done on that subject:
If you love someone, any day is a special day, every day is a good day to tell them you love them. It's absurd to think we need a holiday in order to convey such an important, no, vital message.

Alright I'm done.

V-Day actually refers to Victory Day - that is February 13th, the day I danced the Fairy of Wit.
Yes, that's right... the variation went well. No. It went more than well. Praise the Lord it went wonderfully!

"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God you will receive what he has promised." Hebrews 10:35-36.

On more than one occasion the Lord has quickened to me this verse, but oh how apt I am to forget it! The Sunday before I performed the Fairy of Wit my pastor preached on this very verse (as well as those leading up to it). God was very clearly saying: "Jessika, do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded!"
And yet instead of trusting God, claiming His promise, and resting in this confidence, "Stressika" (yes, that would be me) persisted in focusing on the waves of doubt that only seemed to grow larger the longer she (that is to say I) looked at them.
But oh how faithful and patient God is with us! Finally after recognizing how out of whack my priorities had become, confessing and repenting putting other's opinions over His, with both hands I grabbed the promise given in Hebrews 10:35-36. My confidence rests in Him, and oh how richly rewarded it was!

Still feeling some butterflies in my stomach Saturday morning (which actually isn't a bad thing at all) this verse was not only in my morning devotional book but also in my Bible Study lesson:

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

Can you say appropriate?! And He did give me such a peace... As the music began and I ran out on stage, the spotlight shining down on me, I felt His joy and pleasure. No worry... just fun. No pressure... just peace. The tempo was absolutely perfect, and as I moved through the variation I mentally checked each challenge off my list. "Yes. Good Jessika. That one's done. Keep going. You're doing great. You can do this. You ARE doing this!" I could feel all my co-workers in the wings watching, cheering me on. Even my old boss happened to be there - a gift in and of itself! And then came that fateful last step. I can't really tell you what went through my head at that moment. I think I just decided I was going to do it. And I did.
The smile on my face was slightly ridiculous. If it wasn't already big enough before, I think it kind of overtook my face as I went to bow. I can honestly say I have never been more proud of myself - and I NEVER say that. But I know that as much as it was me, it was even more Him working through me. To God be the glory!

My confidence was richly rewarded. At the end of the Prologue Act just after the curtain came in my old boss came up to me and congratulated me on performing the part. I said: "Thank you. You know I was feeling a little nervous about it at first, but..." and she interrupted, "Oh NO! I knew from the moment you came out on stage that you were going to be great!"
What a reward. And what a victory! I couldn't have asked for a better show and I am so thankful for all the many gifts the Lord's given me!

"Beauty," Confidence and Wit

I am sitting here in the therapy room at McCaw Hall.
Boyd, our physical therapist has his latest victim on the table. We call him "Bender the Mender," and he has on more than one occasion been responsible for keeping a show going - in particular the marathon ballets such as The Nutcracker, Swan Lake and of course The Sleeping Beauty or "Beauty" - it's abbreviated name.
Thankfully I'm not in here because I'm need of therapy - well physical at least, the mental and emotional I can't vouch for. My reason has more to do with human and internet connection than anything else. It's always a hoppin' place here in the therapy room.

This is our last weekend of shows, and I honestly can't tell you how I feel about that. A little sad? Yeah. A little happy? Sure. But truthfully the feeling that's recently overwhelmed me is... anxiety. And I am ashamed - of feeling anxious that is...

You see this Saturday I will be the Wit Fairy. It will be my premiere and my finale of this part all wrapped up into one show. As my co-worker Abby would say, "Git 'er done!" And I shall. But I find that in all this endless practicing and rehearsing I've developed a slight complex regarding this variation.


When I first saw that I was cast to learn this part my initial reaction was at first slight disbelief and then slight, well, for lack of a better word, horror. With speedy tempos, gallops on pointe and lots of chaînés (very fast small turns), it's a pretty challenging variation. And since I'm going for brutal honesty here, I really felt like it was over my head, not to mention my ability. But determined to see this as an opportunity for growth, I attacked this variation with tenacity and determination.
And much to my surprise I absolutely love dancing it! Oddly enough it really suits my dancing personality and I feel I've certainly risen to the challenge. This is me patting myself on the back...
The end of the variation is pretty tricky: you have essentially six counts of chaîné turns and finish in a double step-up turn done without coming off pointe. You feel like an Olympic gymnast trying to stick a dismount - the goal of course being a solid, sans fumble landing. I have practiced this part of the variation over and over again, and I wish I could say I nailed it every time. Everyone's been so helpful in offering up their suggestions, tips and corrections, but sometimes I felt like there were "too many cooks in the kitchen" if you know what I mean.
Taking everyone's suggestions and every opportunity to practice I know I've improved. But as my Facebook status said today, I've come to realize that at this point practice doesn't = perfect but only perpetuates my insecurity, anxiety and complex over this variation. Practice has become a barrier if you will to the one ingredient that I cannot be without: confidence in myself. By practicing over and over again, I am refusing to trust myself and my ability that I can and will do this variation excellently. Seems like a very simple lesson to learn, one I should have had under my belt a long time ago... But I find there's always lessons to be learned and re-learned. That's just life, right?

So all this work and for what? One show? That's a lot of pressure. Well it is if I choose to look at it that way. There are quite a few of us dancers who have put in countless hours for just one show - one opportunity. With only nine shows and quite a few casts, sometimes that's just how the cookie crumbles. But you know what? Even if it's just one, it's one! It's a gift! And what else are gifts for but to be enjoyed. So this Saturday matinee, while I'm not the Fairy of Joy, I will be full of joy as I take hold of the gift and blessing it is to dance victoriously the Fairy of Wit. And I will stick that last turn. I can do it and I will do it!
To come and see many premieres this final weekend, you can buy your tickets here. But you better hurry before they all sell out!

Photo of PNB principal dancer Mara Vinson as the Fairy of Wit in The Sleeping Beauty. Photo © Angela Sterling.