A missing piece

What a whirlwind this summer's been!
It's amazing how quickly 5 weeks flies by... And man have I ever packed them in. Like canned sardines, packed. Mmm... Sardines. Ha! Sardines...
Once in 5th grade my Mom packed a tin of sardines and crackers in my lunchbox. I thought it was a great lunch but apparently Natalie Alotis didn't agree... she went running to the trashcan to upchuck hers. And yet reminiscing about my elementary school days is not what this post's supposed to be about...
So what is this supposed to be about?
That's a good question...

I mean really, I don't even know where to begin! I could blog about the craziness that was June 12th: our last show of Giselle, my last show dancing with six amazing coworkers, two company parties, and oh yes... my Dad's birthday too. I could blog about the week-long road trip vacation I took to Billings, MT with my mom. I could blog about the new place that's become my default home: DERUmarket - the new little artisan take-away market my dear friends opened in Kirkland. I could blog about baby showers, bridal showers... The list could go on and on and on...
Sadly none of these make the cut tonight. Hopefully (if I can get my act together), they'll make it on the blog roll before September sneaks up on us.

So tonight I'm blogging about a missing piece.

Monday- yesterday, marked the first day of what will be my 8th season dancing for Pacific Northwest Ballet. That sentence in an of itself could and should be yet another post! But there was something off about yesterday... a piece that was missing. You see, yesterday also marked something else. It was the first day, the first season since I began dancing professionally for PNB that I was not greeted by my green-eyed, curly-haired, phlegm-hacking friend. His name is Barry Kerollis and I miss him desperately.

There's so much that I could say about Barry. So much... From his mullet-stylin' younger years when he taught himself how to play every instrument under the sun to the time he was "working on his double axels" in rollerskates (yes, you heard me those giant clunky four-wheeled rollerskates), Barry could and can always make me laugh. His life has been far from ordinary, and someday I'd love to write his story so the whole world can know what an incredible individual he is. But for now, this blog will have to do. So below is the speech I wrote for him and delivered June 12th, 2011. It was the best I could do to encapsulate in a matter of moments who this very unique, very special and very dear friend is, and what he's meant to not only me but all of us at PNB.

 Well I’ve been stressing over this speech for the past week. Surprise surprise... And one night over Facebook chat Barry, trying to help de-stressify, told me that if all I said was “I love you” he’d be happy.  Anything after that would be like the cherry on top of the sundae.

So Barry, I love you.

Now begin the multiple toppings to this sundae of a speech.

I don’t remember the first time I met Barry or my first impression of him. I wish I could tell you all some great story but I can’t. We were both hired the same year, but it wasn’t until the end of that year that I think we really became friends. Having both survived the “great transition,” I think we just naturally gravitated toward one another. For the first couple years it seemed we were in an unspoken competition for who could use up more sick days. He says he won, but I’m not so convinced, although I will say he always had the most extreme reasons for using a sick day. He’s always had a flair for the dramatic. His advice for me in giving this speech was to pretend I was giving his eulogy. Ha! Well instead I’m gonna be cheesy and do an acrostic.

B. “B” is for Bunhead. The thing about you Barry is I think I know you and then you tell me another story that blows my mind. For example I just learned that he used to call ballet companies saying he was interested in becoming a season subscriber in the hopes that they’d send him brochures with dance photos that he could look at and cut out. And then there are those days that I’d find you on your lunch break in the production office watching/studying archive videos. But in all seriousness there are few people I’ve come across who actually love dance, ALL forms of dance as much as you do. You’re constantly on the look out for new things to inspire you be it from a local performance or a youtube video. And this passion for dance is reflected not only in the way you perform, but in the daily grind of class and rehearsals as well. From your chilling performance of Mercutio, to your tumbling skills in Ordinary Festivals, you literally throw yourself into every role. Not only that but you’re one of the most versatile dancers I’ve met displaying your clean technique in the 2^nd Theme from The Four Temperaments, your contemporary prowess in One Flat Thing Reproduced and Serious Pleasures, and even your knack for musical theater in your amazing performace of Cool from West Side Story Suite. But best of all I think is your ability to work in cumbersome costumes… On Barry’s performance of Red Riding Hood from Sleeping Beauty:

“Leanne Duge and Kerolis have some great turns in this. Between this role and Bottom I wonder if he’s found a specialty “Will dance wearing a big head.”  Sorry… I just had to.

A is for Advocate. Not only did you step up to be the point person/dancer liason for Backstage Pass, always giving us those great announcements every second Friday of the Rep, but you’ve been our fearless AGMA rep. I know Abby’s already mentioned this, but Barry, you really have been an invaluable and fearless leader in our company. Thank you for standing up for us.  Thank you for never taking that job lightly – ha! If only people could see that notebook of yours! Thank you for asking the difficult questions, for saying the things everyone was feeling but not willing to say themselves…  And this brings me to R.

Resonant… as in loud. As in gregarious and outspoken. Be it written on a T-Shirt, a Facebook post or just simply on your face, you’ve never been one to hide your thoughts, feelings or emotions. Always on the cutting edge, you were into blogging  long before blogging was even big. “Over 400 posts, 25,000 views, and a whole lot’a drama. I’m not one to be quiet.” Well you said it Barry, I didn’t. But I remember a conversation we had a while ago about this “voyeuristic journaling” as I liked to call it, and you told me that people were genuinely interested in you, and your daily life. They found it fascinating… and I can’t say I disagree. In fact, I truly admire your openness with people and how readily you share yourself and your life with others. There truly is no greater gift than giving of yourself and Barry you give this gift often, to me and to everyone you meet. Which brings me to R #2.

Relational. Of all the things that makes you you Barry it’s your deep love for people… for the people in your life. You are unfailingly generous and hospitable, always opening up your home for get –togethers… be it a cocktail party, game night or my personal favorite karaoke. But these little shin-digs are about more than having a good time and a good drink… You really invest yourself, and pour youself out for the people you love. You write handwritten personal notes. You give the most amazing Christmas gifts ever. And you’re always there. To chat with at 2am when venting is oh so necessary, to hug when the tears won’t stop flowing, to drive to the ER and be a 24hr nurse when the poo hits the fan. It’s hard to think of what you wouldn’t do. You are in my mind the definition of a good friend. Of the best friend. Of the kind of friend I wish I were and hope to be.

And now finally to Y – Why do you have to go? Why must things change? But I’m reminded that change is a necessary, an imperative ingredient to growth. For as much as I hate change I hate stagnancy more. And BK I want you to grow! I want you to be the best you can be. And I know you will because unlike me you don’t hate change, but rather you embrace it. You’re constantly looking ahead, evaluating your dreams, goals and desires and following the path that will enable you to achieve them. You’re not afraid. You see life as an adventure and “can’t” is a word that doesn’t exist in your vocabulary.  But I just can’t wait to see all the amazing and wonderful things you will do, because you will do them.

So I guess I shouldn’t be asking why but what… what are we going to do without you? What am I going to do without you? Who’ll be waiting in the stage left wing to catch my enormous airbite and cheer me on in my 20-something snow? Who’ll be up in the therapy room to argue with me about Siberian weather conditions, entertain me with crazy stories of Belltown bus rides, or to talk about our mutual obsession with coffee. And who’ll be there when barre is over to greet me with a smile, a nod and an “eh-oh” every morning?

Oh Barry “I love you” seems too small a phrase to convey how much you mean to me, and what a blessing your friendship has been. And words cannot even begin to express how much I’m going to miss you. But I am so proud of you for following your heart and so excited for this next chapter in your very extraordinary life. Ballet X is so blessed to have you in their company, and we have been privileged to have you in ours. And praise Jesus we’re both Facebook addicts. Seriously. So here’s to you Barry! L’chaim!!!"


So tomorrow... Well if you've read this far down, tomorrow marks Barry's first performance at his new home with BalletX in the city of brotherly love. So BK this is my "merdé" gift to you!!! Dance your heart out friend. I wish I could be there in the audience to cheer you on, but know we are all so proud of you back here in Seattle. Cheers!!!

Beautiful Ballerinas

"It is a truth universally acknowledged that..."

Ha! I'm wondering how many of you can actually finish this quote... I'm wondering how many of you even know what novel this is from. (Calling all Austen-addicts...)

And while I'm sure I could have a relatively intelligent (animated? amusing?) discussion/blog post on whether or not "a man in possession of a good fortune must really be in want of a wife," that's not the truth I'm referring to here... Move over Jane Austen. Hello Walt Disney! 

It's a small world after all...

This story began one fateful day in November. The exact day I don't remember. And, well, I don't believe in Fate so I guess "fateful" is the wrong word too, but you all get the picture. Maybe "Providential" would be more appropriate. 

At any rate, I was in the back of Studio C watching a run-through of Snow (from PNB's Nutcracker) and behold! In front of me was this beautiful blonde-haired, bright-eyed professional division student who absolutely blew me away with her saut de chat. But it wasn't just that. I don't know... there was just something about her (of course this something would become more than obvious later...) So, using her pointe shoes as an in/excuse, I sort of forced her "under my wing." She graciously complied... 

And her name is Carlie Mills... a.k.a. Briar Rose (because she literally looks like that Sleeping Beauty Disney Princess). 

Fast forward to April, 2011. One day while walking around backstage during a rehearsal for A Midsummer Night's Dream this little Miss Briar Rose came up to me. And with those big ol' Bambi eyes  timidly tapped me on the shoulder and nervously blurted out, "Hey! Jessika! Sooooo... I have a question for you. Umm.... I was wondering if you could help me out with something."
Half-laughing to myself because she seemed almost skittish in approaching me (I don't think I'm that intimidating), I gave her my warmest smile and, trying to put her at ease, said "Absolutely. What's up?"
Fully expecting her to ask me some question about, well, I don't know... how to deal with ingrown toenails or corns, which false eyelashes I use (105 and 111's if you're wondering...), or maybe a question about the choreography, I was totally blown away by what followed.
You see Carlie and I have something else in common (other than both loving ballet and having a flair for the dramatic - you should have seen this girl as Shoe Lady #3 in Cinderella!). We both love Jesus. That's the something I mentioned earlier... the same something, the same Light, which I hope shines from me too!
And this love, this Light shone even more brightly through Carlie when she shared with me a story from the pulpit that had inspired her. The previous Sunday the pastor at her church had spoke of a little girl he'd met in eastern Washington.
Her name is Ella Mae. She's a vibrant, energetic 6-year-old little girl who loves Jesus and ballet too. Ella Mae has big beautiful eyes, the sweetest smile and Spina Bifida... a condition that among other serious medical complications has her in a little walker as she's paralyzed from the waist down. But that doesn't stop Ella Mae! She wants to be a ballerina just like Carlie and me- be it by God's gracious, omnipotent and healing hand or when she's finally at Home with Jesus in Heaven. In a conversation to her little brother Levi (overheard by her Dad) she said,

“Levi, do you know what will make heaven so wonderful?” “What?” he said. “Heaven will be wonderful because there won’t be any walkers, braces, wheelchairs, or Spina Bifida, which means I’ll finally get to run and play with you like I’ve always wanted to do,” —said in her excited voice, as only she can— “and I’ll be able to dance for Jesus too. He’ll love it. He’s amazing you know, and he really likes ballerinas. I can’t dance now because my legs don’t work, but he’ll fix them in heaven, and then I’m gonna dance my heart out. He can’t wait to see me dance.”

 "So I was wondering if you'd be able to help me get Ella Mae tickets to the ballet and maybe a backstage tour?" said Carlie after relating to me this story.
Forget "if." "When"?!!!! 
This was the only question on my mind... Tonight? Tomorrow? Shoot... "Today" wouldn't be soon enough. But the Lord knew...

June. June 11th at 1:15pm to be exact. This was the day I met Ella Mae. Clad in a beautiful pink tutu complete with magenta ballet flats and a glittering tiara too, she arrived in the strong arms of her escort... her very tall and very proud papa, followed by her mama & little brother. And I, dressed in my mismatched ugly orange peasant costume, took them backstage where Carlie met up with us so that Ella Mae could not only meet ballerinas but get the chance to dance on stage too. And boy does this girl have some flair!! She showed me her moves, striking her sweet little poses...  And right before Carlie took them to find their seats for the show, I gave her a couple gifts - a pair of my pointe shoes and a Giselle poster signed by most of the company.
But these gifts were so minimal compared with the gifts I received through this experience.
What a gift it was to not only meet Ella Mae and her amazing family, but to share her story with all the other dancers in the company. Testimonies are powerful - lives lived for Christ - and hers is one that I know the Lord is using in an incredible way to draw people to Himself, even ballerinas. Because as Ella Mae's said, "He really likes ballerinas." And I can't agree more!

But also, what a blessing little Miss Carlie Mills has been to me. She's shown me that a deep love for Jesus and His Kingdom isn't something to just think, talk or blog about... it does! It's active. It doesn't just contemplate conviction, but it takes the tangible steps to serve others.
And what a gift it's been to serve the Body... the bigger Body. Because even though Carlie and I don't attend the same church, we are both a part of the Body of Christ. We both love Jesus and His Kingdom. And in the end that's what it's about. Loving the Lord with all your heart, mind, soul and strength and loving your neighbor as yourself... building up the Body of Christ and furthering His Kingdom.

It's a small world. Had it not been for Carlie I would never have met Ella Mae. But I have been blessed beyond measure by these two beautiful ballerinas. And I thank the Lord for making the world small and bringing them into my life.

There's so much more to this story... I feel like I've only touched the tip of the iceberg with this post. I'd encourage you to listen, watch, or read the sermon that inspired this whole experience along with this follow-up blog post to the sermon written by Ella Mae's dad. And you can follow Ella Mae and her family's adventures here.

But I'll end this long blog post with some photos so you can see and hear that God is good! Enjoy!

"Ella at the ballet"

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PS... Corey Everett Smiley deserves a HUGE shout out... You are the best. Thank you for also being an integral part in orchestrating this Divine appointment!

Drowning

Hello?
Is anyone there?
Am I there? all there?
Ha! Well I think so... I think I made it through this past month in one piece.
Let me tell you... it's been a month.
Can someone explain to me why, if I have less "going on" in my life than I've had in the past couple years, do I feel more overwhelmed than ever before? I mean when I think about all that I used to do... Volunteering in the High School Ministry at my church, leading a discipleship group, being a part of the college ministry leadership team, attending Bible Study Fellowship, taking a college class online, working full-time and somehow managing to have a social life... how in the WORLD did I do it all?!!!
I mean I've winnowed that list down to about half the activities/responsibilities and yet I feel like I'm drowning. I'm stuck playing this game: trying to pick up the pieces of my life that keep falling off the truck in front of me, but when I chuck them back into the truck they just roll right out again... Sometimes I have to run back to grab the few bits I missed- e-mails, phone calls, this blog. Shoot... I haven't even set up the voicemail on my "new" phone. I say "new" because I've had it for like two months. Then again I've never been good about checking my voicemail anyway...
Aren't you supposed to get better at accomplishing more the older you get? I mean at the very least what happened to the time-management skills I somehow, somewhere seemed to have acquired? They must have fallen off the truck first and rolled into a ditch. Haha...

So where do I even start?
Maybe where I left off... yeah. That's probably a good idea.

Well let me begin by saying that I didn't have strep throat. Once again I had some crazy-weird mystery illness. Arrggh. Can you feel my frustration? But nothing in my life is ever "normal" or predictable so I guess I shouldn't expect my biology to be any different.
Needless to say my first week back to work after having to take 3 weeks off was rough. Quite rough. And yes, I had to take the 3 weeks off. Completely off.
What you all didn't know is that in the middle of Midsummer I had to get an MRI done of my left foot. The diagnosis: a stress reaction. Okay so I guess sometimes I do (miraculously) get a definite answer.
But what's a stress reaction? Basically it's a pre-stress fracture... the bone's about to break. But because a break (vacation) was nearing on the horizon I was able to finish A Midsummer Night's Dream with the understanding that I'd rest my foot for the entire 3 weeks, allowing it to heal.

"Okay. No sweat. It's only 3 weeks. My body needs the rest and the Lord's gonna take care of me. I just need to trust Him... Trust that it's been Him who's taken me this far and He'll get me back here again."


I just kept saying this over and over again to myself, hoping that the more I said it the more I'd believe it. And I did believe it. At first. But Worry has a curious way of wriggling himself into my heart.
You see this year has been hands down my best season thus far at PNB. The Lord has opened doors. He's opened eyes. He's given me opportunities, and has helped me improve so much, not only in my technique, but in my confidence and trust too. It's been Him. All Him. I show up. I do what He asks me to, and I work hard at it. But that's so minor compared to the work of His Mighty Hands.
And yet, what do I do? I start worrying that all this hard work that I've done to get here ("filthy rags" as Isaiah terms it) will all be for naught. And yes, if I had done all this- if my worth and identity were founded on this hard work- then there would be cause to worry, and it would all be for naught. But praise the Lord He's Sovereign and Almighty! Praise Him that He's holding me. Praise Him that in all things He works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. And praise Him that He sees and knows my heart. He sees that seed of pride creeping in. He sees me slowly separating myself from Him, trying to do things on my own.  And He knows how to best draw me close to Him.

"I am with you, watching over you constantly. I am Emmanuel (God with you); My Presence enfolds you in radiant Love. Nothing, including the brightest blessings and the darkest trials, can separate you from Me. Some of My children find Me more readily during dark times, when difficulties force them to depend on Me. Others feel closer to Me when their lives are filled with good things. They respond with thanksgiving and praise, thus opening wide the door to My Presence.

I know precisely what you need to draw nearer to Me. Go through each day looking for what I have prepared for you. Accept every event as My hand-tailored provision for your needs. When you view your life this way, the most reasonable response is to be thankful. Do not reject any of My gifts; find Me in every situation." ~ from May 29th in "Jesus Calling"

 I wish I could say I were the latter child mentioned in the quote above, but alas I am not. I am the one who finds Him in times of trial. And what a trial that first week back to work was!
Not only was I sick, but because I took those 3 weeks completely off - no running, no jumping... nothing to keep the muscles in my left ankle strong and sensitive to impact-type motion - my left ankle was dangerously weak and jamming up to the point where I could hardly walk on it.
Frustration soon followed. And then it gave way to despair. But it was the humbling I needed to return to the Lord: to submit to Him, cleave to Him and cry out "I need You! I can't do this by myself. I'm drowning. Save me Lord!"
And He is faithful. He rescues us. He rescued me.
It's been a humbling month. It's been a challenging month... and this is only one part of it. I've longed for the summer sunshine (weather-wise and life-wise), but all I've had is grey clouds and raindrops... And yet sometimes God's "blessings come through raindrops." The darkness and the sunshine... they're both gifts from our Father. So I thank Him for the grey clouds, the raindrops and for nearly drowning. I cling to and claim the promises of His Word... that the good work He's begun in me, HE will bring to completion. And I keep my eyes open for all those rays of sunshine He brings me each day- both big and small.

Jessika Christine Anspach on the couch.

Disclaimer: I apologize in advance if this post makes little sense... you'll soon understand why.

It's Friday May 6th. It's Friday... the last Friday of my three weeks off. It's Friday and what do twenty-something single people do on a Friday night? Well I think they go out... I think. 

But what am I doing? I'm laying on the couch, staring blankly at the computer whilst occasionally slipping off into Dreamland for a half-hour or two. Well that's just what happens when you have a slight fever and strep throat. On my last weekend of vacation. Great timing I know... 

I guess it's a good thing I don't like going out anyway. Even on a Friday night.

And as I lay here in a state of slight delirium I find myself stuck in my own head. Asking questions. All sorts of questions. Some silly, some serious; some with answers and some without. 

What time is it? How long did I sleep? Should I do homework? Do I want to do homework? Orange or green jello? What's for dinner? Ha! That's a question I ask every night. Rarely do I have the answer.

Who am I, where am I and how'd I get here?

Jessika Christine Anspach on the couch. 

This of course is the obvious answer. But as always I'm not asking the obvious question.

Who am I, where am I and how'd I get here?

Recently I cleared out an old storage unit and in a box found the amazing photo album/scrapbook my mom made me for my 16th birthday. After perusing photos of little Sika, I found myself searching the face my eyes met in the mirror. Where is that little girl? She must be hiding in there somewhere... 

There are those eyes... 

...and the enormous shades she liked to hide them under. 

Well some things never change...

But how'd she become me? And how'd I get here anyway? 

Life doesn't always turn out the way we picture it. Ha! Or at least it hasn't turned out the way I'd pictured it. 

Along with the photo album, I discovered other jewels in that previously hidden box of treasures: projects I did in my 8th grade and sophomore Health classes. Similar assignments asked me where I saw myself by my 10-year High School reunion. 

According to the very practical and conventional 8th grade Jessika I'd be a Seattle Pacific University grad, majoring in Interior Design and minoring in English (yes... I had already chosen my minor). I'd meet my future husband at college, get married at 25 (like my mom) and I'd have a family. I'd either be an interior designer (again like my mom) or a screenplay writer. Okay, well most of it was "very practical."

The funny thing is from this little Health class project you'd never know how hard I was working to achieve my dream. It was a very common little girl dream - to become a professional ballerina. And while I was full of desire and determination I think part of my heart put little stock in it. Someone once told me "Never get your hopes up; then you'll never be disappointed,"and by this motto I subconsciously protected my heart. And besides, dreams don't really come true... that's the stuff of Fairy Tales and Disney movies, right? 

By my sophomore year I'd allowed my dreams to seep in a little more, but I still had a back-up plan for the back-up plan if you know what I mean. These are the collages I created for the covers of this project:

On each was written: 

"By my ten-year reunion, a goal I have is to be a professional ballerina. I would love to be at Pacific Northwest Ballet or SanFrancisco Ballet, but any company would be just great! I have worked for so long to achieve this goal, but if it doesn't happen I won't be too disappointed, because it's a hard profession to achieve." 

and...

"My goal by my ten-year reunion is to be in a relationship. I don't expect to be married, although it would be nice, but a good relationship or have had a relationship is a goal of mine." 

Like I said, life doesn't always turn out the way we imagine it will. I'm 26, I live at home and I still don't even have my A.A. let alone a degree in Interior Design from SPU. Shoot! I'm not even going for Bachelors of Arts anymore... And as for the whole "relationships" thing... well I still have two years. Ha ha!
If I measured my life according to my 8th grade expectations I would have utterly failed.
"But I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." For "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines His steps."
See I had expectations in mind, but the Lord had other ideas. He's in the business of making the impossible possible. He truly does give us the desires of our heart when we seek Him with all our heart. And He does this to bring glory to Himself, not by our might but by His!
So who am I and how'd I get here?
I'm Jessika Christine Anspach, a ballerina, daughter of the Most High God and I'm still on the couch.

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever. Amen!" ~ Ephesians 3:20-21

Blog blah blah blah

A blog? What!? I have one of those things?
And wait... you mean I'm supposed to write entries for it? Frequently? I can't just abandon it and let it fend (okay, "write") for itself?

I think the better question is have I abandoned it?
"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"
Well if it looks like it, smells like it and taste like it, it probably is it... meaning if I even have to ask that question there's probably a problem.
And by the way I think I'm totally misusing that quote above about the trees... but a) I like trees, b) I think it makes me sounds smarter and c) if out of my disgusting negligence in the up-keep of this blog I've lost all readers I guess said quote would apply... If there aren't readers than is there anyone to witness this attempt at blog-ressusitation?

Well at any rate the near death of this blog was not due to a lack of inspiration. Believe me, I've had plenty of inspiration! So much has happened in the last 6 weeks... shoot in the last two months that I hardly know where to begin. My problem is not that there's nothing to say, rather there's too much. The Adventures of Jesus and Jessika continues... Ha ha!! But what's new? Honestly, I've come to regard the "drama" as, well, a friend (dare I say it...). Instead of cringing as I see drama approach I've learned to embrace it. I can't believe I'm saying this... But drama (I prefer to call it adventure) certainly makes life interesting. It can be a little dull when everything's just dandy.

But my inspiration doesn't just come from the drama (adventure) of my life. I do have other sources... Books, songs, new artists, new websites... my curious observations/running commentary on the many narratives in A Midsummer Night's Dream (the ballet we just finished performing). Of course there's always the endless lessons the Lord's been teaching me. And within each of these branches exist a dozen different rabbit trails I could go down.

So which trail am I going to blaze through tonight? Well the trail blazing is gonna have to wait till tomorrow... it's late (well early) and I have a wedding to watch.
Me thinks the post-mortem post (or post-resurrection?) will have something to do with white gowns and all-things wedding.
Aw... but I can't leave you with nothing (not that all this is nothing!). Here's a song by an artist I just discovered that I'm totally obsessed with. Here name is JJ Heller - her voice is heavenly and her songs are divine! In particular, the lyrics in this song "Small" say so much of what the Lord's been teaching me this year... To not keep Him in a box, but to truly live Luke 1:37:

"For nothing is impossible with God."

Enjoy!

An Internal Struggle

Dear Body,

Would you please stop screaming at me? There's absolutely no need to shout... I can hear you just fine.
And to be quite frank I'd appreciate it if you'd stop. This incessant whining isn't getting either of us anywhere. I mean we're both mature... I know, I know... you hate it when I call you "mature." Well I didn't say "old" did I? Though sometimes you look a bit decrepit and can act like a cantankerous old crow... Did I say that? Whoops... I meant to keep that one to myself. Guess it just slipped out. Sorry.
But my point is fighting in this childish manner isn't going to get us anywhere, and your constant nagging and complaining only exacerbates things. In other words: you're not helping.
Body, we need to work together. We're a team. Remember?! It's you and me.
I know I've been hard on you lately, with all the demands I've loaded on your plate... You were such a trooper, rising to the challenge of learning and performing Marco Goecke's Place a Chill with so little actual rehearsal time in the last Rep. And then to flip a switch like you have, transitioning from contemporary ballet to classical overnight, and putting together A Midsummer Night's Dream in 4 days?! I couldn't ask for more!
I mean who could blame you for looking a little tired and weather-beaten? And I'm not saying you look bad... but, well, you need some rest. Shoot! We both could use some rest.
So for both our sakes, could you give it a rest and let me go to sleep right now? Pretty please? I'll love you forever if you'll just grant me this one request. I promise I won't neglect you tomorrow. We'll spend some quality time together... just the two of us. How does that sound? Good?
Good.
Well goodnight Body. We'll talk tomorrow. Thanks for hanging in there and calming down a little. You're doing a great job. It's okay... everyone has a freak-out every once in a while. Don't worry about it. Now you rest up, 'cause you deserve it!

Sincerely,

Your Better Half (a.k.a. the rest of Jessika)

Rewind. Review. Redeem.

Goodness gracious me! Is March really almost over? Where'd the time go?What a crazy past couple weeks, months... Ha! For that matter, what a crazy year it's been!
It's hard to believe I've been writing this blog for over a year now. Wow... and to think how absolutely opposed I was to starting it in the first place...
As many of you know, I'm an avid and somewhat prolific journaler (and if you didn't know, well, now you do!).
I have a whole drawer full of notebooks - hundreds of pages that are covered in my cursive scribble. But my journals aren't really a "Dear diary" sort of thing - rather the "Dear Heavenly Father," kind. But I don't know if I'd specifically label them "prayer" journals... They are prayers. And yet they're more than prayers... These journals are full of letters to my Papa God (a.k.a. Abba Father).
But how many of you have gone back and re-read e-mails (since no one handwrites letters anymore) you've sent? I'm guessing not many. Well the same is true of me and my letters to my Father.
I probably should. I'm sure it would be beneficial. No. More than beneficial... I'd get to see written testimony of prayers answered and character refined. But that's the kicker. In order to have character refined, you have to go from something bad to something better.
Now don't get me wrong... this isn't a Sika Pity-Party. But I'm just stating the fact that re-reading my journal is, in a word, painful. Maybe painfully embarrassing would be a better description. Reading all the silliness - the trivial and frivolous cares, desires and internal dialogue that took place in my heart and mind - and seeing that so many times Jesus was talking to me when He asked the disciples, "Where is your faith?", well it makes me blush just thinking about it.
And yet, those things weren't "trivial" or "frivolous" when I wrote them.
Instead of being ashamed of where I've been I should rejoice in where I am, rejoicing in the transformation that's come from the Spirit and being refined in the furnace of these "trivial" and "frivolous" afflictions.
So praise Jesus for this blog! Ha ha... I can't believe I'm praising Jesus for a blog! And yet that's exactly what's happening. Why? Because it's basically an easy access journal. A lot like my letters to Papa God, this blog contains many of the struggles I've faced, the lessons I've learned and the victories I've experienced, but written much more thoughtfully (and legibly). And besides, it's a lot less embarrassing to re-read. I can just go to the side bar and click on the same month last year and see where I was at - what I was going through, what the Lord was teaching me etc. And I have to say it's encouraging...
An example: Last February we were performing The Sleeping Beauty... this February it was Cinderella. Both are story ballets. In both ballets I got to dance a solo. Then I struggled with fear, insecurity, and wrestled with the fact that I only got one show of the Fairy of Wit. This year I confidently asked to learn the Season Autumn, and trusted the Lord would provide, and boy did He ever! One show? Try two! Similar situations and yet the manner in which they were handled couldn't have been more different.
Rewind, review and redeem... that's what it feels like. I re-read my blog posts and see the character refined. I see prayers answered. I see myself being transformed. And I humbly rejoice.

Thank You Papa God for Your Spirit. Thank You Papa God for this blog.